"And where do ya plan to stick that thing?"

All day today I played the MUD I mentioned in the last entry, Aetolia. One of the few entertaining moments it provided was my contemplating the mystery of my inventory and where exactly I keep my hundreds of gold pieces and all those rat corpse while I'm wielding a sword with one hand. I still have no clothes save for a normal belt and a pair of gloves you see. So my character is quite naked. And it's always required that you "stay in character". So "in character" where would I keep the corpse of a rat never mind many rats? Fine, fine...

I should also mention I have managed another entry in my new blog, Mystery short story. I have started a mock fan fiction of an NWN module that hasn't yet been created, or given a final name for that matter. And to top it all off I'm starting at the end and writing back wards, from chapter 10. I picked chapter 10 arbitrarily, I have no idea how many chapters the story will be or how many modules will result from the finished story. I actually have a good reason for starting at the ending: I already know the ending. I haven't the slightest idea how to begin it. So it only makes sense to start at what I know I already have and more from there.

The other problem is that I have never written fan fiction for anything, or even a creative fictional story for that matter, since elementary school. I'm talking more than 12 years in all likely-hood. I'm not expecting my "fan fiction" will be anything particularly spectacular, at least not at first. Maybe by the time I get to the end, the beginning, I'll be able to write and have something to work with. Did you get all that?

Lastly, since I don't think I have the creativity or am awake enough to continue much more, I would like to mention this movie I just saw tonight. The movie NO ONE has heard of or ever will hear of anytime soon. The movie is Knights, from back in 1993. I'm assuming it was made for one of those premium cable channels, most likely Showtime, as that's the one I watched it on. I can't imagine it came out in even a single theater. I also finally after a lot of search found commentary on it over at Amazon. This movie hasn't even had courtesy of being copied on to a 50 cent DVD for distribution :-).

So why do I mention it if it's obviously so bad? Well for one thing it is the BEST B-Movie ever made. It has to be. The dialog is just so ludicrous and delivered so completely seriously I just couldn't stop watching. I mean all those Showtime type movies are kind of like this, but this one is way above the rest of them. I remember a special I saw on the old Batman TV show with Adam West: how the producers asked him to deliver the ludicrous lines as if it were Shakespeare. And that's what they all did in this one.

And they have some really off-the-wall dialog and scenes in this movie. For instance in one scene the villain kills some nameless extra and starts walking towards the camera...and bumps into it. That's actually in the movie. And at the end of the movie as their highlighting the names of each of the main characters they show that clip from the movie. Of the actor walking into the camera.

And the sound effects? One of them sounded like it was directly ripped from the Star Wars movie. Namely the Millennium Falcon when it was having trouble starting in The Empire Strikes Back and the punches were something out of an old Kung Fu movie.


Oh and the music? Extremely generic stock sound track that I swear sounded a hell of a lot like MIDI to me. Why the hell would a movie use MIDI music? Even in 1993 they had better equipment then that.

Perhaps I should describe the whole premise: The "cyborg vampires" are threatening to take over all Mankind (If you're currently writing me to say "it's humankind you jerk" i can only say back "no, it's mankind...and kiss my ass") and only a mysterious woman with incredibly good fighting skills and a "good guy" cyborg with a single year expiration date stand in their way.

In one scene the female character goes to attack a cyborg with a long spear and the cyborg says, "Where are you going to stick that?" and of course blocks the attack. Right after this the good guy cyborg finally throws a knife and hits the cyborg in the forehead, the middle of the "kill zone" of the cyborg. At this point there's some ubiquitous sparks and the sound effects I mentioned earlier followed by the line "oh dear I'm on fire, aren't I?".

Now the other humans in the movie are either unaware small villages or will servants of the evil cyborg-vampires. But regardless it seems they all recently attended Clown College as all of them are wearing rather noticeable white lipstick. The cyborg-vampires on the other hand have kind of a Lawrence of Arabia thing going on with the middle-eastern garb in what looks like parts of both New Mexico and Canada.

Now this "good guy" cyborg (who isn't a vampire but has cripple-ware installed) is this "famous" actor Kris Kristofferson, who has been some minor and major movies but I guess is more famous from several years ago. My dad knew who he was right away for instance. He was in the Blade movies and had an extremely small part in the new Planet of the Apes. He was doing the whole Adam West thing delivering the lines as if it were Shakespeare, and doing it well.

It ends as if it is seriously expecting to be either a really long series of movies or a TV series or something. The narration was talking about long adventures through time space to the very edge of the universe. Sounds like a stupid cartoon or somethin'.

I've been doing kind of a toung-and-cheeck thing here in making fun of it. But I actually did enjoy it. In fact the next time it's on I will record it with my capture card and put it on DVD and export it in DivX format. I guess I'll be the only one who will ever enjoy this movie...ever. If you were looking for a good B-movie I would recommend this one. You can look up your local playtime at Showtime's web site.

  ¶ 11:59 PM