"Don't touch that Herman, it's horseshit"

I think I'll start off light-hearted and move on to the stuff I really wan to write about at the bottom. First of all is my job. Yes, I'm tech support. At an ISP. I think I'm fairly good though. Ok? Sometimes my patience does where a little thin.

Am I saying my patience runs thin with the customers, or the company I work for? What am I a dictionary? Ok fine. Well there's no managers or supervisors for this position ya see. And the times I'm at work very few of whom which I can inquire if I do have a question. Like "what is my schedule" and "oh, those access numbers don't work".

Sure fine. No training what so ever. No manual. No one to call if there's problem you need fixed or an irate customer to deal with. No one. Well there are the co-workers who have been there a while. They're all very apathetic and seem little caring as to what the answer or whether we're every going to help this poor caller hold on line 3. I have little recourse however as I have no one to talk to about this. I would try to write a manual myself except it's not my job. And even if I did write a manual I would only share it with new employees and not with management. If they don't give fuck about me or the customer why should I give a fuck about them or whether they go out of business? I don't care. About management. The non-existent management. I do care about the customer.

Ok here comes the fun part...

Ok for all you Internet users out there who have contemplated calling the local ISP for technical support I have a few tips and techniques for ensuring the person on the other end who otherwise is only there to speak in confusing language and not offer any real help can understand you easier more effectively.

Tips and Tricks for customers making calls to their ISP tech support:

• Be sure to be completely unaware of which version of Windows you're using or if you're even using Windows, it will only annoy the tech supporter.
  
• Be sure to be completely clueless as to what you're using for e-mail as this is completely unimportant especially when you're having e-mail problems.
  
• Also be sure not to know how to find your e-mail program so you can spend a half an hour having the tech explain to you how to use the start menu and find outlook express. After all in all likelihood the tech has nothing better to do and all those phones ringing in the background are merely background music and not annoying at all.
  
• Be sure to tell the tech lots of anecdotal stories that have nothing whatsoever to do with your problem as the tech loves to listen to it and has nothing better to do but listen to you all day (and no supervisors or anyone else pressuring him to take as many calls as possible).
  
• Be sure and call and ask unrelated questions like "we just got a new computer and when we went to shut it down it just froze and the power button doesn't work what do we do?" as Internet Service Provider tech support is there to answer just such questions (hold the power button down for 5 seconds). Oh and be sure and call back angry at the tech support for "breaking" your computer when all you had to do was hit the button labeled "power" to turn it back on.
  
• Be sure to call on as crappy a phone and phone line as you can find. And talk as quietly as possible. The techs ya see, they get really annoyed when they can actually hear you and understand what your saying and your problem as opposed to static and your voice coming for a vast far distance.
  
• Now when calling the ISP be sure and use a crappy cell phone because as with the last remark being able to hear and understand a customer is the least important item on a list of things you need to get help from someone over the phone.
  
• When you have a problem with the service and/or an issue with the bill be SURE and call at 11:30 at night and YELL and CURSE and SCREAM at the tech support who is paid $7 an hour to sit in a tiny room at 11:30 at night and knows NOTHING of billing policy or anything else about the company. Because, ya see, company’s always put the BEST most qualified people on the 11:30pm shift and pay them $7 an hour. Be sure to have a few drink before hand too. That can only help.
  
• Be sure you can only marginally speak English. It's really bad to actually be capable of communication with the tech before you call.
  
• Very important your computer isn't actually on when tech support calls you back of when you call tech support. Also be sure you're in another room and don't leave or anything to be in front of your computer when the tech starts to try and help you.
  
• Now if you're on Macintosh be sure and call up ask the tech to send you a non-existent Internet Explorer 5.5 because your bank will not let you access their web site without IE 5.5. Be sure not to be swayed by minor facts like not seeing any IE 5.5 listed at microsoft.com/mac, as the ISP after all is completely responsible for the development of IE and the name "Microsoft Internet Explorer" is completely irrelevant. And when the ISP can’t give you this mystical IE 5.5 for Mac on CD be sure to threaten to go to another ISP who can actually help you (that will help).
  
• When calling up with the error "bad username or password" be sure not to mention you don't actually know the password or you forgot it. This will only make the tech's job harder.
  
• In fact leave out as many facts as possible. Call from work and using a corporate network? Don't mention it! Still have AOL installed and aren't even dialing the ISP up? Don't mention it! The fewer facts the tech has to work with the better!
  

Well I hope that was fun to read. It certainly let some steam off as far as job-related stress. Ok I just have one more anecdotal story. An obvious computer illiterate calls up and needs to have her internet settings re-adjusted. This requires using the Start button to access the control panel. So I say "push the start button" and the caller says "the computer is already on". Yes. Good. The computer's on. LMAO.

Ok now that the fun stuff is out of the way lets move on to politics. For instance Gary Coleman is running for Governor. Well that's just great. Actually I find that remarkably funny and entertaining. He's only a protest candidate for an anti-recall newspaper in Oakland. I think I'll vote for him : ).

Now what? How about the weather? Here in California where I live it's supposed to be about 115 degrees Fahrenheit and yet it’s almost fall-like temperature-wise. Remarkably cool for some reason. Yes. The most industrialized state in the most industrialized country in the entire world is having a remarkably cool spell. Wow what a perfect and subtle transition to my next line of thought...global warming.

Now this seems a bit of a weird term to me for some reason as the part of it referring to the globe. This would imply, to me at least, that the entire globe was actually, you know, warming. Obviously a gross miscalculation of logic. How in the world would someone get global warming out of a name like "global warming". Pehshaw! Idiot I am. Also don't forget global warming is really a weapon of mass destruction. It was reported by a British scientist and is therefore correct and 100% accurate.

And of course the United States of America is 100% to blame for this. Global warming I mean. But only in the last 18 months or so. Before then global warming didn't exist ya see. As stated in the article "the United States, in an "epic" abandonment of leadership, was largely responsible for the threat.". So there ya go. George W. Bush is some how 100% responsible for Global warming AND all the deaths it has ever caused whether it really exists or not.

Also this "scientist" stated, "nowadays everyone knows that the US is the world's biggest polluter, and that with only one 20th of the world's population it produces a quarter of its greenhouse gas emissions." Nothing like facts and figures to prove a point. And what better fact-and-figure than "nowadays everyone knows". Well obviously. Everyone knows when everyone knows something it's automatically true. What you didn't know that? Of course! As soon as "everyone knows it" the statement is auto-magically a true one.

Following the above statement was the quote "But the US government, in an abdication of leadership of epic proportions, is refusing to take the problem seriously -- and Britain, presumably because Blair wishes not to offend George W. Bush -- is beginning to fall behind too". Which means just being on the same side as George W. Bush in a successful war gives you the dreaded "bad global warming policy virus" easily transferable from one person with knowledge of unpopular political stances. So the obvious message here is don't be on the side of George W. Bush, you'll cause global warming get even worse than it already is. Duh!

All these quotes were from a British scientist named John Houghton as can be found in the above enclosed link.

Now I really don't understand this global warming thing. First of all the "globe" doesn’t seem to be getting any "warmer" which would seem contradict with the whole title to begin with. But lets not get caught up in semantics. Sure London is having record breaking heat wave but what about California? As mentioned earlier it's incredibly cool right now as opposed to the normal 115 dry heat. Is that caused by global warming too? Why would "global warming" make some places warm and other places cooler? Someone please, explain this to me.

Also who says the USA is the highest polluter? For instance if say satellite imagery seemed to indicate the largest amount of pollution coming from South America would that mean more pollution is coming from South America? I mean I realize satellite have an obvious conservative slant but it's just a question. Does satellite data indicating there's more pollution coming from South America mean South America is producing more pollution than North America? Yes...or no? It's just a fucking question!

Ok I have more questions. Asia for instance. The India/Pakistan region has a billion+ people and little to know environmental policy. Right next door to this region is China with another billion people. Even if there were some sort of environmental policies instituted would there be any chance of enforcing it across that large of a population?

I saw this story on 60 Minutes (which I would normally never watch for lack of actual quality) in which this "holy river" was completely saturated with human waste a lot of which was the solid variety. But the people in the area still bathed in it and kids still played around it. Because it's a holy river and therefore cannot be polluted. It's completely brown, you watch human waste float by and it's not polluted. Also India has a better environmental policy than the United States. And the United States is ONLY polluted because of George W. Bush. It wasn't polluted when the last guy was president. The entire globe has gone down hill temperature-wise in the last 18 months. Because of George W. Bush. No see you have to believe this. You're just another right wing fruitcase if you don't believe it. And everyone knows it which makes it true. Hey whatuhya want from me? I'm just callin him like I see them.

Of course this is a serious phenomenon. Environmentalist quick to jump on the USA's environmental policy and equally quick not to mention the policies of say Cuba, China or North Korea. The communist countries. How about Mexico where the smog regulations for cars aren't even enforced? Where people think it's normal to just toss wrappers and trash and whatever out the window as opposed to throwing it away? Actually Saddam Hessian did a lot to hurt the environment too. And he was a "big oil" man. He even invaded Kuwait, a fellow oil-producing country. Yet Saddam isn't an evil just-for-oil anti-environmentalist? Hmmmm. Coincidental I am sure. Has nothing to do with the close ties between environmentalism and the radical left. Don't ever think there's a connection between the two. And be sure not to read the Sierra Club web site for the talking points before hand when confronting any environmentalists on these issues before hand ;-).

Well it's edging on 3am now so I think I'm going to bed. I think I enjoyed tonight’s entry a little more than usual some how. Here's the last entries answer and goodnight.

The title of the last entry, "You can fit four in there!", is from Whose Line is it Anyway?. Or more specifically the punch line to one of the jokes. The game was to come up with creative/funny/pun-filed phrases based on suggestions from the audience. The suggestion was stuff you can say about your truck you *can't* say about your girlfriend.... And this was the punch line: you can fit four in there. Just a little innuendo. If you know what I mean ;-). I'm sure I wasn't the only one to find this funny. Was I? Pfffff.

  ¶ 2:46 AM